While the Australian federal election has so far failed to deliver ‘stable government’, it’s proving a rich source for my novel-to-come, How To Win At Democracy. Nothing like a bit of messiness to shine a light or two.
In Australia’s new political era of minority goverments (assuming it doesn’t take the full 3 years to sort it out) the ‘in’ thing seems to be writing wishlists. The independents are all doing it, so I reckon we should all jump in and have our say too. Maybe at the next election, we can staple them to our ballot papers.
Here’s my list (for starters)
Replace Ricky Ponting as captain of Australia. Maybe think about abolishing cricket altogether (it might be the kindest thing).
Replace Tony Abbott as leader of the Liberal Party (Yes, I know I’m writing this list for you, Tony, but think about it. I’ll take Hockey, if absolutely necessary. I’ll take Turnbull.)
Members of parliamanent must live in their electorates (hello, Julia).
Abolish the ludicrous election posters adorning every tree and pole in town. If nobody puts them up, nobody misses out.
Scrap political advertising: the ads are so aggressive they’re violent. They’re like cartoons, they way they over-simplify and colour everything.
Could everybody stop moaning about preference deals. Nobody makes a voter vote a particular way.
Could somebody come around and get my Topfield working. It’s footy finals time and it won’t tape right.
Make any politician who stays ‘on message’ for more than five minutes at a time do 10 push-ups, and 20 for any any journalist who gives them a hard time for going off message. Staying on message is not natural. It’s not normal. It’s not interesting. It’s not productive. They only do it because they think we want them to.
Tasmania really should have an AFL team.
Scrap question time. It’s ludicrous, it wastes time, it’s nothing but false confrontation and bad theatre. Find another way to make governments accountable.
Why can’t people outside of the US to enter the New Yorker’s online cartoon caption competition?
I’d like to eat more fruit.